the beans...part deux

I left off yesterday with my phone ringing...

So I picked up the phone and the conversation went something like this ( of course I was twirling my hair and acting completely nonchalant)

Me: Hey

Him: Hey

Me: So, uh, did you get my email

Him: Yeah

Me: Isn't he just stinkin' precious

Him: Yeah, he's really cute

Me: Can I ask to see his file, you know just to see, maybe I could advocate for him...

Him: NO!

Me: But I just want to look at it, he's been waiting for a really long time, doesn't he look so much like Finn?

Him: Aren't you the same woman that made me PROMISE that if you ever asked me to adopt again that I would have to say, "NO"

Me: Yeah, but doesn't he look just like Finn? And I only made you promise when I was jet-lagged that doesn't count.

Him: No, you made me promise you..more than once.

Me: I just want to see his file, can I ask to see his file. Isn't he just so adorable, he looks like Finn.

Him: Fine you can see his file but we are NOT adopting again, besides we just moved into this house like 3 weeks ago...

Me: Bye honey darling love muffin....click

Him: hello, hello, is anyone there.......

So I don't think I took a breath before I was calling to get his file... and because my agency coordinator ROCKS, I had it in my hot little hands within minutes.... His file is over 2 years old, it has been on different agency lists but by this point it is on the shared list. At first it only came across with the Chinese file,, there is no English translation, which makes me pretty sure that no one has even ever requested to see the file since it has been on the shared list. I just can't fathom. So I try to play really cool with Marc once he comes home, try not to sound as over the top and freaked out as I am. Because on one hand this little guy is precious, we would be blessed to call him our son, but on the other hand, no lie, it get's pretty nutty around here sometimes. I have doubts that I will be able to show up for everyone that needs me...

So I wait until the kiddos are asleep and I show him the file. I tell him, "You can say no, I will totally understand, but I'm just asking you to pray about it first. I also want to make sure that if you do consider it- that you are totally on board. I really need you to want to come home to me and this chaos every night, so I totally respect if this is a solid no. But it has to be solid. I truly am too emotional to make rational decisions."

So a week goes by and we don't talk about it too much, until we take some time out at night to pray together, and my husband, (a.k.a. the best thing that ever happened to me) prays for this beautiful boy, and for God's direction as to whether we should add him to our family. The day before I leave for the orphan summit, I ask him if I should print out some of his info to try to advocate for him. (It seems like a logical place to advocate, if I had to hunt Steven Curtis Ch@pm@n himself down I would have.) He tells me to just wait, wait until I get home.

What does that mean, holy cow he must really be considering this. So instead of being totally excited I start to feel all my iniquities as a Mommy. It really does a number on your head, I'll tell you. One minute I am planning how we will rearrange the sleeping situation in the house and getting all excited. The next moment I am thinking of having 5 teenagers in my house at one time and start to have panic attacks. The next moment I am fantasizing about how great it could be to see all my kiddos play in the back yard, or the trip to China, and even what song I'm gonna use for the adoption video... Then I think about all the scary attachment stuff that can possibly come with adopting a 5 yr old who has been in an orphanage his entire life. So basically I am a wreck. If the decision was all mine I would have no idea what to do.

While I am at the Orphan Summit I call Marc and tell him I am going to advocate for this little guy. He tells me, "No, I think we should do this". Then I start to panic. That night I go back to my hotel and my agency coordinator who ROCKS, has asked for an entirely new file for this little guy. So I have new photos, personality, and medicals...dated within days. We continued to go back and forth, mostly me just flipping out about all the "what-if's" , and Marc finally just tells me to do it. stop worrying. once we start the process we can just stop thinking of all the negative stuff and move forward. He kept repeating himself for the whole next week. We both did a little wavering a little each way... but we finally came to the conclusion that we couldn't possibly say no...and once I called my agency coordinator who ROCKS, and told her to lock his file all. the. fear. left. , and I started to get just crazy excited. I may have even gone shopping within the hour for goodies for his first care package :) So we are now over the moon happy to show off our newest addition.... I hope and pray that he loves being part of our family as much as I know we will love him. And since I know y'all already just scrolled to the bottom to see these precious pics...

Seriously, doesn't he look like Finn? This is the first photo I saw.

Now he has grown in the 2 years since his file was released,, here is a newer photo. He has changed so much and lost those baby cheeks, but he is still as adorable as ever.