There is something to be said for the Nature vs. Nurture principle.... Our little family is a psychoanalyst dream when it comes to nature vs. nurture. I truly believe that we are born with a keen sense of who we are...our likes and dislikes, our strengths and weaknesses. I grew up in a household where our skin color was the same but I couldn't have felt more different. Then I grew up and had my own biological children
there is something amazing about sharing space with people who look like you and act like you. Watching my children develop the same mannerisms, the same strengths, the same weaknesses blows my mind. I watch my 7 year old, who inherited my shy reserved demeanor and love of yoga pants, she hates "performing" in any sense of the word... for goodness sake she won't even play charades with me. But I get her, it doesn't frustrate me, I completely understand why she is who she is. While this is not a profound example it is as simple as it gets. Now on the flip side, I watch the way Mina works, she is so unlike me, so unlike her older siblings. She is intense, ultra focused, TALKATIVE, loves being the center of attention, can size a person up in seconds flat. To say I have to parent her a little differently than Kobi is an understatement. Parenting my bio kids seemed a bit easier, as I feel like I have this little window into what makes them tick. What I have to embrace being an adoptive
parent is that I need raise my children as individuals, it has been a great insight for me, I think I will be a better parent to all of my children because of it. Mina may grow to be nothing like me, she may have completely different interest, different style, different passions and different values, but I love her with all of my heart so I need to let go of any preconceived notions of MY dreams for my kids now. As their mother I need to set boundaries and instill morals, but apart from that I need to let them be who they are, not who I want them to be. It is harder than it sounds, but this I know for sure. Everyone wants to feel understood and if I continue to raise my children to meet all of MY dreams for them... I will miss out on knowing all that they could be, and in turn they will feel unloved and unworthy. I am so excited for their future, I hope they all surprise me, I hope I can resist putting them in little boxes of expectation, they deserve so much better.
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8 comments:
Great Post; Amazing mother :-)
Interesting post! Funny thing in our family, J is so much like me that sometimes I am astounded and have to be reminded she is from China and not mine biologically. Though she is far smarter then I was at her age (I think) but her personality, likes and dislikes, so much like me it's scary. D on the other hand, while not mine biologically either is genetically related to me and oh I can see it, she is very much like my mother and grandmother in her personality. Honestly this makes parenting her very hard for me. But I am learning and oh what an interesting person she is going to be!
Love this post and what a thoughtful mom you are.
Wow, that was such a profound post. Really drove it home for me. I too am having a hard time at moments when Shelby doesn't fit in my perceived box of expectations... I have great support around to remind me to relax with her though.... I'm so thankful for that. Loved the thoughts in this post!
This was a heart felt post, I could tell. As mom to a 20 year old adopted child, I could identify with this! Thanks for sharing, Amy!
Tammy
I read somewhere that the scripture about raising up a child in the way they should go involves more than just raising them to love God and his ways...it also involves understanding what way God has ordained for them to go by paying attention to their God-given gifts and encouraging them to use those gifts...it so necessarily involves parenting them individually. That is SO profound for me as a parent...understanding their individuality is so hard...and so fun. I love to see how my boys are different and how they are the same...I relish each day discovering who they are and who they are becoming!! LOVE THIS!
amen...
Thanks for sharing this beautiful and revealing post. Funny, as an older mom to my only child, I don't know what it's like to have a biological child "like me". I only know what it's like to be blessed with a precious child who is so unique and intriguing that I can't imagine what box I could ever put her in. I imagine the complexity of your family, with the mix of genes and culture and nurture gives you a lot to think about, especially given your own unique history. The image of your family tree is haunting. Blessings, Monica
blog hopping, and stumbled upon this...I can so relate to this post, while it's not me that's the adult adoptee in the family (yes, that leaves Dh), we have had so many conversations about this very thing. He talks about how profound it was to hold our firstborn...and then how profound it was to hold our daughter whom we adopted. It is very interesting to look back at the in-laws and how much Dh picked up from their "nature" and how very different in other ways he is....we're so looking forward to seeing how each of our children grow and develop so we can learn about them, and what makes them tick.
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