Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine and injustice when He could do something about it. But I'm afraid God might ask me the same question.

Monday, April 5, 2010

I held my friends newborn baby the other day. People used to call me the "baby lady", I loved babies so much I would beg to hold anyones baby. I have even spent nights at friends homes to do night time feedings so I could hold a baby for hours. I have changed... I am not the baby lady anymore. I think having 5 kids will do that to you. Now I see a baby and I think of the sleepless nights, and the bottles and the work that comes with having a baby. I have clearly moved on from longing for more of my own babies. But as I said before, I held my friends newborn baby the other day and a new strange emotion kicked me in the gut. My youngest daughters, my babies, they were once that very tiny. 6 pounds of complete dependence. I know it is not a new revelation, of course they were babies. But seeing my friends 3 day old baby, it sort of takes the wind out of you to remember the helplessness of those first moments. I can't wrap my head around the circumstance of their first few fragile days. I wish I could go back and be there from the very first moment for my girls. To be able to spend the sleepless nights rocking them, the hours staring at their every shape and hearing every breath, they deserve that... and so much more.
I know I don't dwell on adoption. My daughters are every bit my daughters, but sometimes I take it for granted. I forget. I go about like their lives started the day I held them for the very first time...but then I hold my friends newborn baby and I feel the air squeeze out of my chest and I want to cry a river for my sweet girls. So helpless. So tiny. So brave. I wonder if they will feel the weight of it all one day when they hold their very own newborn baby, when they feel like they would give their life for the swaddled 6 pound helpless creature. It's not fair, it stinks, I'm sorry babies. I will love you the best I know how, but it is tough knowing I can never fix it.

5 comments:

A Cup of Cold Water said...

amy, such true words! i often think of that. when our son (same age as our so to be adopted daughter) had surgery a few weeks ago and we held him as he woke up and cried and as his stomach was upset from the meds and as he was scared and confused, i wonder who held our daughter as she woke up from her life saving surgery at 8 months old. who was the first face she saw and was it a familiar one? it is so hard to hurt for the moments you know you were not able to be there for.

but as i am writing this, i am reminded of a couple of songs that God has really put on my heart these past few weeks regarding lulu. they share of theme of being in God's hands and arms. they are "safe" by phil wickam and "your hands" by jj heller. i just felt that God said to me that HE has been holding lulu in his arms since before she was born. HE is taking care of her, even through the storms she has had to endure.

what better hands...

erika

Mommy said...

Such raw truth from a Mommy's heart. I had one of those moments this weekend. Thank you for sharing your heart. XOXO-

Michelle said...

Okay so you made the tears flow. Your girls are so blessed to have a Mommy like you...

rgshrs said...

Such true words and I think something that tends to catch us in those little moments. J has tons of questions already that I am doing my best to answer but I like the truth in Erica's words best, when not in our arms, they were kept in His hands.
Gonna go hug my girls now.

Hebnix said...

I can really identify with you on that... so true.