Our Family, Our Story

I held my friends newborn baby the other day. People used to call me the "baby lady", I loved babies so much I would beg to hold anyones baby. I have even spent nights at friends homes to do night time feedings so I could hold a baby for hours. I have changed... I am not the baby lady anymore. I think having 5 kids will do that to you. Now I see a baby and I think of the sleepless nights, and the bottles and the work that comes with having a baby. I have clearly moved on from longing for more of my own babies. But as I said before, I held my friends newborn baby the other day and a new strange emotion kicked me in the gut. My youngest daughters, my babies, they were once that very tiny. 6 pounds of complete dependence. I know it is not a new revelation, of course they were babies. But seeing my friends 3 day old baby, it sort of takes the wind out of you to remember the helplessness of those first moments. I can't wrap my head around the circumstance of their first few fragile days. I wish I could go back and be there from the very first moment for my girls. To be able to spend the sleepless nights rocking them, the hours staring at their every shape and hearing every breath, they deserve that... and so much more.

I know I don't dwell on adoption. My daughters are every bit my daughters, but sometimes I take it for granted. I forget. I go about like their lives started the day I held them for the very first time...but then I hold my friends newborn baby and I feel the air squeeze out of my chest and I want to cry a river for my sweet girls. So helpless. So tiny. So brave. I wonder if they will feel the weight of it all one day when they hold their very own newborn baby, when they feel like they would give their life for the swaddled 6 pound helpless creature. It's not fair, it stinks, I'm sorry babies. I will love you the best I know how, but it is tough knowing I can never fix it.