Patience

I could list a million reasons that I am not a very patient woman.  But this is the one that is bothering me today...so excuse me while I ramble about it for a moment.  It is not only patience but it is sadness too.  Its actually patience, sadness, confusion, and a bit of anger if I really want to lay it out there.  See this little guy. 

He is just about the sweetest little boy in the whole world.. his heart is what amazes me...He loves like no person I have ever known.  I tell people sometimes that no one has ever loved me the way this child loves me.  I really mean that...but it saddens me the way he loves me... is that absurd?  It probably is, but it just hurts that I know he had be longing for a mama for so long.    Anyhow, this is what is bugging me lately.  I really want to know EVERYTHING that went on with him in China!  I know I will not learn everything, but at least somethings.  A new Asian market opened up just a few miles from us (cool, right?)  so we went to go check it out this morning.  As soon as we went in it reminded me of china..the smell the hanging lanterns and red knot decorations, it was great.  But right away my boy clammed up.  You could tell he got very nervous and wanted to sit in the baby part of the cart, when he usually wants to roam the aisles and check everything out. 

Since the day we met in China he refused to speak Chinese, even to the guides.  He stopped talking to Collin in Chinese about 3 days after getting home, and we had so hoped he could keep his language.  Not a chance.  AND he gets upset when he sees pictures of his orphanage... or when he watches his gotcha video (which he loves), he covers my face when we get to the part of his nannies and friends, and he just says, "no, no, no".  It makes me so sad.  I really want to start asking him some questions so I can write all of his memories down.  He did point out a few things around his room in the orphanage in the one photo where there was no people in the photo.  He would look at it and show me where he washed his hands and where he slept and which little shoes were his. His language isn't at the point where we could have in depth conversations, but it just all makes me so sad.  He has never for a second grieved his life in China.  Is it ridiculous of me to want to dig deeper so we can work through it all?  Isn't he going to start forgetting soon, so we won't be able to piece the puzzle together for him in the future.  Is it wrong to just leave it all in the past and just move forward.  5 1/2 years living in an orphanage, his room on the second floor, and when we met he didn't know how to walk up and down stairs, had never been to a playground, had never held a pencil, had never seen or touched an animal.   But somewhere along the way he was taught to give near professional massages... boy can work out some kinks in your neck.  And he learned to love and treat others so well,  he is so kind and loving and cuddly, someone must have loved on him, right? 

So today I am impatient to get some answers, to heal, to forgive, to help him forgive, to communicate fully with my little man, and for him to know and understand fully my love for him.  

 He did settle right down this morning after we left the Asian market, we picked up some Chinese style buns for lunch and took them to the park.  He gobbled those up like nobodies business and his cheerful self was right back in action.   This process is such an emotional one... I wish I could just change the course of history and show up the day my kiddos were born, scoop them up and fix it all....wouldn't that be so wonderful!