Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine and injustice when He could do something about it. But I'm afraid God might ask me the same question.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Patience

I could list a million reasons that I am not a very patient woman.  But this is the one that is bothering me today...so excuse me while I ramble about it for a moment.  It is not only patience but it is sadness too.  Its actually patience, sadness, confusion, and a bit of anger if I really want to lay it out there.  See this little guy. 

He is just about the sweetest little boy in the whole world.. his heart is what amazes me...He loves like no person I have ever known.  I tell people sometimes that no one has ever loved me the way this child loves me.  I really mean that...but it saddens me the way he loves me... is that absurd?  It probably is, but it just hurts that I know he had be longing for a mama for so long.    Anyhow, this is what is bugging me lately.  I really want to know EVERYTHING that went on with him in China!  I know I will not learn everything, but at least somethings.  A new Asian market opened up just a few miles from us (cool, right?)  so we went to go check it out this morning.  As soon as we went in it reminded me of china..the smell the hanging lanterns and red knot decorations, it was great.  But right away my boy clammed up.  You could tell he got very nervous and wanted to sit in the baby part of the cart, when he usually wants to roam the aisles and check everything out. 

Since the day we met in China he refused to speak Chinese, even to the guides.  He stopped talking to Collin in Chinese about 3 days after getting home, and we had so hoped he could keep his language.  Not a chance.  AND he gets upset when he sees pictures of his orphanage... or when he watches his gotcha video (which he loves), he covers my face when we get to the part of his nannies and friends, and he just says, "no, no, no".  It makes me so sad.  I really want to start asking him some questions so I can write all of his memories down.  He did point out a few things around his room in the orphanage in the one photo where there was no people in the photo.  He would look at it and show me where he washed his hands and where he slept and which little shoes were his. His language isn't at the point where we could have in depth conversations, but it just all makes me so sad.  He has never for a second grieved his life in China.  Is it ridiculous of me to want to dig deeper so we can work through it all?  Isn't he going to start forgetting soon, so we won't be able to piece the puzzle together for him in the future.  Is it wrong to just leave it all in the past and just move forward.  5 1/2 years living in an orphanage, his room on the second floor, and when we met he didn't know how to walk up and down stairs, had never been to a playground, had never held a pencil, had never seen or touched an animal.   But somewhere along the way he was taught to give near professional massages... boy can work out some kinks in your neck.  And he learned to love and treat others so well,  he is so kind and loving and cuddly, someone must have loved on him, right? 
So today I am impatient to get some answers, to heal, to forgive, to help him forgive, to communicate fully with my little man, and for him to know and understand fully my love for him.  
 He did settle right down this morning after we left the Asian market, we picked up some Chinese style buns for lunch and took them to the park.  He gobbled those up like nobodies business and his cheerful self was right back in action.   This process is such an emotional one... I wish I could just change the course of history and show up the day my kiddos were born, scoop them up and fix it all....wouldn't that be so wonderful!

11 comments:

Melissa said...

I cannot even imagine the heartbreak that must bring. God will fill in the gaps where they need to be filled. His purpose was for Ty to be with you all along. As wonderful as it would be to get them before all the hurt, it has and will shape who they become. God will use this for His glory and the tapestry of Ty's life will be a masterpiece!!!
Love ya!

chksngr said...

I couldn't imagine what he might have gone through. The possibilities are just limitless.

But in more direct answer to the question "Is it wrong to just leave it all in the past and just move forward." I was struck by something...this is precisely what God asks of us when we accept Christ. We are new beings in Him, in His love.

It could just be, that in a way, you are the same sort of salvation for Ty. Such a profound salvation that leaving his past in the past is precisely what he wishes...

Love for Lilly Yin said...

Amy we have dealt with the same thing. There are times that Lilly has told us things.....things that will break your heart, and make you SOB. Things I wasn't expecting, and it is always when I least expect it. Then other times she clams up and does not want to talk about ANY of it. Its as if to her that the her before adoption no longer exists.
Our adoption attachment therapist says yes and no. She assures me that she has not forgotten. And she will talk to her some about it. She seems to process it in phases. BUT sometimes I think they have to "forget" in order to move on. I know that is tricky.

Kristi said...

"I wish I could just change the course of history and show up the day my kiddos were born, scoop them up and fix it all...."
Yes, it would be so wonderful. Oh how I wish that I could do the same.
Praying for you and your sweet boy as you take this journey of life together. Makes me think of my favorite song by Third Day, "I can't stop the rain, but I will hold you till it goes away."

Aimee and Cary said...

Oh my heart is breaking for you and for him; I am in the midst of reading, "Parenting the Hurt Child" and it makes me so very sad. God will heal his hurt and will give you all the tools you need at the time you need them; remember all that he needs right now is love, love, love; he doesn't NEED his language and although you want his memories (oh would that be wonderful) he's not going to "lose" them; his brain and his spirit needs time to adjust from the uncertainty of the orphanage to the permanance of having a family. Your love is STRONG.. how AWESOME is God for giving you that incredible bond already! Wrap up the rest in a beautiful "package" and place it in God's Hands; He's in charge of it all, anyway, but give it over and let it go...
BlessingS!!!

withgratefulhearts said...

Amy,

If you get a chance, I think you might you might be interested to read this post. It occurred 4 months after we were home with Faith. She was just a month shy of being 3 when we brought her home. Ty's reaction was about the same as hers. Since the time of this post, similar scenes have played out about he same way. How utterly confusing it must be for a child. And frustrating to us that we will never fully know what our little ones went through before we arrived. Here's the link:
http://withgratefulhearts.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-have-put-off-writing-this-post-for.html

Cherie

Gretchen said...

Amy,

I am having the same experiences with Ashlyn, but she was in a foster home. I would love to share with you privately, if you would like.

Truly Blessed said...

Oh, this post touched my heart. Like you, I want to not only know everything that went on in my 2nd daughter's SWI, but I want to be able to time travel back so that I could change things. Of course, doing so would change the person that she is, and she's pretty amazing, so maybe I wouldn't change things. It's just so hard...

Ty is a very fortunate little guy to have ended up with your family and I think he knows it. My guess is that you'll learn the answers to your questions some day (probably when you least expect it and when it's not the most convenient time!), but I will pray that you have PEACE until then!

Pam said...

My heart is just breaking for your sweet boy. Charlie is very similar in some ways. He NEVER looked back. Never grieved. This morning on the way to church AnnaClaire was saying everyone's Chinese names. And when she said, Zhou DaShan, Charlie loudly said, "NO! No, I CHARLIE." He is such a loving little boy. He can feed and rock a baby doll with the best of them. :) He loves his family. And is the happiest little guy. But I wonder about his time in China. And he has nothing to say about it. At all.

We've got to get to the new Asian Market. I know Grace will love it.

Megan said...

hi friend,
no words of wisdom here. just my prayers for healing for your boy. remember the gospel is all about restoring.
love to you my sweeeeeet friend.
meg

Anonymous said...

Hi Amy~
So glad I popped in over here. I'd love to "share notes" on this topic. We're walking practically identical roads over here and just had a major breakthrough. Would love to email some thoughts if you'd like. Email me if you're interested. :)
Take care! Sarah Hume