Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine and injustice when He could do something about it. But I'm afraid God might ask me the same question.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Why I sometimes feel like the Bachelor...

Much to my husbands displeasure, I have just started to watch this season of the B@chelor.  I've watched two whole episodes and for some reason, I have added it to Tiv0.  It's kinda like the cliche train wreck.  I feel for these woman, and why they felt the need to go on a show like that, and I pray that my daughters would never do anything remotely similar...I would be crushed. 

Anywhoo...I also have my moments lately where my life somewhat resembles this show, at least in my own twisted head :)   Let me give you and example with a 20 minute excerpt of my life...

First let me set the stage...
1.)  Early in the morning Ty likes to be the first one awake so he can sneak in my room, climb under the covers and have 30 minutes of undivided mama love.  Well, this morning, much to his chagrin, he came into my room and sweet Finnley had already taken his coveted spot.  Boy looked like he got kicked in the gut.  We quickly made room for him, and gave lots of kisses and cuddles but you could tell he was crushed. 

2.)  Mina has been doing really good lately.  We have been working on her using her words when she is feeling anxious.  The "mantra" goes something like this, "Mina baby, if you need some cuddles and attention you have to tell me.  If you need to have some space and alone time you have to tell me. But you can not act "freaky" to me. Okay baby? "   "Okay, Mommy".  It sounds a little harsh but it is the simplest way to get the point across and she totally gets it.  She used to get anxious and go to this scary place, and then  when you talked to her she would get n.a.s.t.y!  The freaky looks something like this...

or this...
 or this... it is just this kinda far out place where she climbs outta herself.  It scares me, it makes me sad...But she is getting better and using her words!!!  Yippee.  

Ok, so stage set. 

So this morning we are of course running a little behind schedule.  The little 3 are sitting at the counter eating breakfast, which they "helped" prepare.  I am rushing around (shocker).  When Mina so nicely says, " Mama, when I finish my breakfast will you cuddle with me?" So I say "Of course baby doll, I would love to cuddle with you."  For a second I beam inside because my girl is feeling anxious and she just says she needs me, love it.  So one second passes and Ty is in on it looking as anxious as ever and he says, " Mama, no you cuddle with me..when I finish breakfast, you cuddle me!"  

Slam, so here we go, now we are juggling the contestants. I know I am going to have to channel my inner bachelor right about now.   These two are in a race for my affection.  I can't wait until they understand that I don't just have one rose, one proposal, I am NOT the bachelor.  I am their Mama and my heart has grown so large that it is near popping these last few years.  I love these kids like crazy, all of them and I need to make them feel it.. all at the same time.  

So, I say to Ty, "baby, after breakfast I am going to cuddle Mina while you get ready for school, and then I will cuddle with you, okay?"  His response...silence as he scarfs down the rest of his breakfast and runs upstairs to get changed.  The race is ON. 

Mina finishes soon after so I scoop her up and carry her upstairs, we cuddle.  I hold her close and sing her a few outta tune verse of you are my sunshine. (Ty is peeking in the door the whole time) Then I carry her to the bathroom cause she needs a tissue.  I end up sitting on the toilet (seat cover down, thank you very much) and wiping her nose and talking to her. 

 Ty rushes right in... "Mama, I have to go potty"  To which I say, "Ty, go in Mama's bathroom and go potty" and he responds with a mischievous little grin...he knows I know what he is up to he wants me to put Mina down and move outta the way :)

 I return my attention to Mina, I say, " Mina, I love you, you are so special, did you know you are my heart, you are my dream?"  To which she replies, " Mama do you love Ty, is Ty special, is Finn special"  What she MEANS is, "Mama, I need to know you love me best, I don't want to compete with these other contestants."   So I say, "You do not need to worry about my love for Ty and Finn...just know that I love you, you are so special, you are my girl, I want to glue you to my body and walk around with you for the rest of my life (this I know is her secret dream :))"  "  "Now baby, go on down stairs and get your shoes and your backpack ready for school. We have to leave in a few minutes and Mama isn't even dressed."

So Mina scurries away and Ty is right there waiting for me.  I scoop him up and take him into my room, I hold him like a two year old while we talk and I try to get my clothes out for the day.  (we have about 5 minutes until we need to leave the house)  I pick out my clothes and we go sit on my bed.  I hold him like a newborn (his favorite) and sing the "B@rney" I love you, you love me song to him. I rub his sweet face, cuddle him, tell him how much I love him. Then smooch on him 'till he is a pile of giggles.  We are now officially late.  Then I say, "okay baby, Mama needs to get dressed so we can get to school, go get your shoes on and your backpack ready"  His reply, "no mama, I stay here, you get dressed, then you come cuddle with me" 

Needless to say we were super late. and I feel sad because I know that it will take so much more of this juggling to make these two feel secure in my love for them.  I am not good a juggling, I am not that coordinated, and I get a little exhausted.   
I don't know how the B@chelor does it... All these crazy insecure woman that sign up for this heartbreak.  It's not normal to see your mate playing the field, I get it.  But me, I'm not a mate, I am a Mama, I have got to spread the love.  It feels so strange to hug one child, and look over and see the look of pain and jealously on another child's face.... But this is what I signed up for, I won't walk away.  I will play the game, and I am determined to win. Most of all I am determined to make sure that THEY ALL win!  

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

trivial girl stuff

I was so excited a few months ago when we moved into our new house.  I was amped to make a bunch of changes, to paint, to decorate and to have "projects" for myself.  I love a good project!  Well, a month after we moved in we decided to bring home Ty, so all of the projects went to the back burner... I could have cared less about anything but bringing my boy home.  But now that we are home and settled surviving... I need a good project to get myself back a little.  It may sound like I am just making myself more busy work, but I really enjoy it.  

We have this one space that in the few short months we have been here has been through 3 transitions.  Since we live in the South we don't have a mudroom, so I tried to create this little space for the kids to drop their shoes and backpacks, this was the second try.... and I will admit that this is what it looked like after it was cleaned up.. and no less than 17 jackets, sweatshirts and bags were taken off the top of this bench.  It was the first thing I saw when I came home (through the garage) and it stressed me out.   

So thanks to Cr@igslist...I came up with this solution that is working wonders!  Everyone has their own little space, even Ma & Pa :) The kids think it is really cool too and they decorate the inside of their lockers with little pictures, and I even have gotten a few little " I love Mommy" love notes taped inside mine.  That is what I shoulda taken a photo of, darn. but I'm too lazy to do it now.  

Anyhow, when we were holed up in our house a couple weeks ago due to the snow/ice storm of 2011... I started to get frustrated with my surroundings...and put our dining room set and our kitchen tableon cr@igslist, and sold them both.. 

so now we are a family of 8 with nowhere to sit :)  I feel so sorry for my hubby and the amount of crazy that I bring to his simple content self.  
We are in desperate need of some paint throughout the house, this builder beige makes me sad.  I also need to figure out a solution for my kitchen which completely brings me down.. those dark cabinets are my nemesis... Oh how I wish the previous owners would have just left the old ones in so my hubby would let me I could paint the bottom ones and put open shelving up top.  This dark space is suffocating to me :( 
 I did find a new kitchen table.. It is super cool, made out of an old barn door..but I don't have any chairs :)  You can see a hint of the table in this photo.. I will show it again once I figure out the seating issues :) 
Off to figure out some paint colors :)

Monday, January 17, 2011


We decided last minute to jump in the car early Sunday morning and soak in some more winter fun...
We packed up our sleds and headed to the  NC mountains where there has been a ton of snow lately.  We stayed at this little spot, it is modest, but it is very clean and always has tons of games, movies, and snacks readily available...and the inn keepers are crazy nice...We love it 'cause it's affordable and they had last minute availability to house our crazy crew.  They also gave us some tips of some great free sledding spots that most tourist don't know about...  We had a blast
It was perfect weather, tons of snow, but not to cold or windy.. we all ended up tossing our jackets and spent the day playing.  I even whipped up a crockpot full of chili right before we left, which I plugged in as soon as we checked in.. then when we were done playing.. dinner was ready and waiting.  (another cheapo score)
Yeah even the biggest kids had a great time.
A serious moment from my little beauty...her eyes are so soulful.
I will be putting bricks on these two hooligans heads while they sleep tonight.. I need to make them stop growing..
I played around with taking these "hill" pictures...I think they are funny.. wish I would have kept it up and taken some better ones.. I will be trying this again next time I find a good spot 'round here :)

His pocket sized Mini-me.

 Ma & Pa
I loved that I had my camera when I walked in on this little sister moment... melt a mama's heart.

Fun times that are worth all of the laundry piles and unpacking :) 

Saturday, January 15, 2011


I could list a million reasons that I am not a very patient woman.  But this is the one that is bothering me excuse me while I ramble about it for a moment.  It is not only patience but it is sadness too.  Its actually patience, sadness, confusion, and a bit of anger if I really want to lay it out there.  See this little guy. 

He is just about the sweetest little boy in the whole world.. his heart is what amazes me...He loves like no person I have ever known.  I tell people sometimes that no one has ever loved me the way this child loves me.  I really mean that...but it saddens me the way he loves me... is that absurd?  It probably is, but it just hurts that I know he had be longing for a mama for so long.    Anyhow, this is what is bugging me lately.  I really want to know EVERYTHING that went on with him in China!  I know I will not learn everything, but at least somethings.  A new Asian market opened up just a few miles from us (cool, right?)  so we went to go check it out this morning.  As soon as we went in it reminded me of china..the smell the hanging lanterns and red knot decorations, it was great.  But right away my boy clammed up.  You could tell he got very nervous and wanted to sit in the baby part of the cart, when he usually wants to roam the aisles and check everything out. 

Since the day we met in China he refused to speak Chinese, even to the guides.  He stopped talking to Collin in Chinese about 3 days after getting home, and we had so hoped he could keep his language.  Not a chance.  AND he gets upset when he sees pictures of his orphanage... or when he watches his gotcha video (which he loves), he covers my face when we get to the part of his nannies and friends, and he just says, "no, no, no".  It makes me so sad.  I really want to start asking him some questions so I can write all of his memories down.  He did point out a few things around his room in the orphanage in the one photo where there was no people in the photo.  He would look at it and show me where he washed his hands and where he slept and which little shoes were his. His language isn't at the point where we could have in depth conversations, but it just all makes me so sad.  He has never for a second grieved his life in China.  Is it ridiculous of me to want to dig deeper so we can work through it all?  Isn't he going to start forgetting soon, so we won't be able to piece the puzzle together for him in the future.  Is it wrong to just leave it all in the past and just move forward.  5 1/2 years living in an orphanage, his room on the second floor, and when we met he didn't know how to walk up and down stairs, had never been to a playground, had never held a pencil, had never seen or touched an animal.   But somewhere along the way he was taught to give near professional massages... boy can work out some kinks in your neck.  And he learned to love and treat others so well,  he is so kind and loving and cuddly, someone must have loved on him, right? 
So today I am impatient to get some answers, to heal, to forgive, to help him forgive, to communicate fully with my little man, and for him to know and understand fully my love for him.  
 He did settle right down this morning after we left the Asian market, we picked up some Chinese style buns for lunch and took them to the park.  He gobbled those up like nobodies business and his cheerful self was right back in action.   This process is such an emotional one... I wish I could just change the course of history and show up the day my kiddos were born, scoop them up and fix it all....wouldn't that be so wonderful!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


So it snowed here in the south on Monday, and the kids were thrilled they got a snow day...  then Tuesday rolled around and the roads were iced so they called it a snow day again...double thrilled.  Then today, the ice was melting at a pretty rapid pace, but still the schools called ANOTHER snow day, and I thought they had just lost their marbles.. we had to get out we were going a bit stir crazy so we headed to one of those crazy bounce house places along with every other mama and their brood in suburbia.  So we had survived and enjoyed our super long snow break...and then I got the call from the school tonight.. they have already called school off for tomorrow...seriously now, snowed 3 inches 3 days ago.  Insane!     But you know what it gets me to thinking,,, what do you wonderful homeschooling mamas do when you have all the kids home ALL. THE. TIME.  I love my kids, they are wonderful...but there is NO way this mama is taking 5 little kids to the grocery store.. it's not that my kids are bad, but we take up the whole aisle -the look of pity and horror and my fellow shoppers faces is enough to send me over the edge.   But this mama needs to get some things done, I had all this pent up new years resolutions type resolve to get organized,,, which is quickly zapped when you have a crew this large wanting to "help" with projects around the house.  Or try cleaning out the pantry with 6 always ravenous mongrels waiting for you to unearth the last box of brownies from the back of the cupboard.  Chaos I tell you!  The best way to describe having 6 kiddos with such a wide age range... Life is good, Life is simple, Life is long as Mama isn't trying to accomplish anything!    
Here's to another day of wearing our jammies 'till noon and not getting anything done.  
And for all the Mama's out there in my same boat.. I wanted to share something I saw on a blog the other day.. i had seen it before but I needed to see it again.. I printed it out and taped it to my bathroom mirror, and have thought of it often this week.  It really hits home when your in the "trenches" of the long days of mothering young kiddos... Here it is:
An Erma Bombeck Column:
A young mother writes: "I know you've written before about the empty-nest syndrome -- that lonely period after the children are grown and gone. Right now, I'm up to my eyeballs in laundry and muddy boots. The baby is teething; the boys are fighting. My husband just called and said to eat without him, and I fell off my diet. Lay it on me again, will you?"

One of these days, you'll shout, "Why don't you kids grow up and act your age!"
And they will.

Or, "You guys get outside and find yourselves something to do ... and don't slam the door!"
And they won't.

You'll straighten up the boys' bedroom neat and tidy -- bumper stickers discarded, bedspread tucked and smooth, toys displayed on the shelves. Hangers in the closet. Animals caged. And you'll say out loud, "Now I want it to stay this way."
And it will.

You'll prepare a perfect dinner with a salad that hasn't been picked to death and a cake with no finger traces in the icing, and you'll say, "Now, there's a meal for company."
And you'll eat it alone.

You'll say: "I want complete privacy on the phone. No dancing around. No demolition crews. Silence! Do you hear?" And you'll have it.

No more plastic tablecloths stained with spaghetti.
No more bedspreads to protect the sofa from damp bottoms.
No more gates to stumble over at the top of the basement steps.
No more clothespins under the sofa.
No more playpens to arrange a room around.

No more anxious nights under a vaporizer tent.
No more sand on the sheets or Popeye movies in the bathrooms.
No more iron-on patches, wet, knotted shoestrings, tight boots, or rubber bands for ponytails.

Imagine. A lipstick with a point on it. No baby sitter for New Year's Eve. Washing only once a week. Seeing a steak that isn't ground. Having your teeth cleaned without a baby on your lap.

No PTA meetings.
No car pools.
No blaring radios.
No one washing her hair at 11 o'clock at night.
Having your own roll of Scotch tape.

Think about it. No more Christmas presents out of toothpicks and library paste.
No more sloppy oatmeal kisses.
No more tooth fairy.
No giggles in the dark.
No knees to heal, no responsibility.

Only a voice crying, "Why don't you grow up?"

and the silence echoing, "I did."

Monday, January 10, 2011

Awww, I feel a bit bad for my poor neglected blog... i don't think I have ever been away so long in the past couple of years...especially without good reason.  I am so excited about the new year and a  new start.  2010 was a whirlwind of chaos, good chaos but crazy nonetheless.  I have made all the cliche' resolutions...yeah, getting organized and getting healthy.  I'm really excited about trying to simplify things around here.  There is just something about the holidays and the glorious indulgence of it all that makes me want to pitch half of our STUFF and to completely turn my back on the retail world.  I am gearing up for trying to make February a "no-spend" month around our house (like how I pick the shortest month)...  I hesitate to say it out there on the blog because I am a bit skeered of failure, I am going to try to squeeze the life outta our already pretty tight budget.  I know I will have to buy groceries...  we are ALL big eaters, and I love to cook.  I have been stocking up on sales the last few weeks so hopefully I can get by with living off our stash and just buying the necessities.  Other than that, I am vowing not even to step foot inside a t@rget or any other retail know seeing that I am a marketers dream and a total cheapskate sucker for a sale.    I have a goal too!  Whatever cashola I can save, the hubby and I are going to spend on ourselves!!! and take a little trip, just the two of us... so it may be to the local Ho-Jo's for an evening if I fail.. or we may get to go away for a weekend seaside come summertime!       I'll keep y'all posted on my progress...or maybe I won't,,, it sounds like the most boring tragic topic I can think of.   


My girl was playing with her "special box" the other day and I figured I would snap a photo.  She loves when I pull this out...

She is a bit of a "nervous nelly" so she likes to keep her hands busy. Ty is a bit of the same way, so they both can spend almost an hour sifting through these little boxes of mess. Just thought I would share a fun little project...
It has come in handy when I can tell they need something to do and I am busy doing something else...  Just to warn you though... these work great for Mina and Ty but if you have a kid like Finn,,, do NOT even attempt this kinda mess... you will hate me forever.